Thy mercies are new every morning.My New Years story.

MAMA,MAMA....the sweet sound of my little Henrik woke me up this morning. As I walked down the stairs with him clinging to my neck a wave of gratitude swept over me. A new year, Two thousand and twelve. The turning of the calendar has never felt very significant to me. This year is different. This year I have walked to the edge of existence and God's strong hand kept me walking. I began the year diagnosed with Crohn's disease and had to process the reality of living labeled with a chronic illness. For a while I struggled feeling like it was written on my forehead, like it would forever define me. The weight of the original news began to settle and symptoms were controlled and I began to live normally with it in the background instead of it always on my mind. Late this fall my appendix ruptured. At the height of the chaos that followed I remember thinking that I was at the max of what I could bear. I felt so fragile like one more poke or pain would tip me over past my limit. The staff would tell me how I was strong, and had done such a good job tolerating pain. I remember replying that I didn't feel strong, and I no longer wanted to be brave. I was empty, exhausted, and hanging on by a thread. Adam was my rock in all of this. He wouldn't let me quit. He prayed over me in powerful ways. He held my hand. He resolved from day one that we would trust God and that in this journey we would give God glory. I held on relying on the faith that I had established my whole life. I knew the truth that God was with me and would carry me. I know the theology of suffering, that it is not if we will go through hardships, but when, so nothing about this experience surprised me. I watched for ways that God was working. I leaned on the prayers and love of the people of faith that surrounded me. In the middle of the valley surviving took all of my strength. I remember thinking, "I should read my Bible".Then I pictured where it was in my bag in a cabinet and thought," I can't do it, it is just too heavy and I am tired". In those moments I would lay back and think about the verses in my heart. Then I would sigh," Lord Jesus intercede for me". I was weak, He was strong. I think of the words that I sing as I lay Henrik down each night...Yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so. I believe those words. They are tucked in my heart. And so my story comes full circle. A new year a fresh slate, how am I going to live? How can I put my treasures in heaven? How do I lay the foundation for my children so that when (not if) they are called to walk through the valley they will be leaning on their Savior Jesus Christ? I need to refill my soul with Scripture and walk along side of other believers so I am ready for whatever the next chapter holds. This year I begin not with a resolution, but with gratitude of heart longing to walk near to my Savior in a way that changes who I am.