Time Makes the Ache Deeper.

People often say, "Time heals all wounds." I couldn't disagree more.Yesterday was Dominik's fifth birthday. Dominik is our son who was stillborn because of anacephalie, a condition where the top of the head does not fully close. I always miss him, but yesterday the ache was deeper, the pain stabbing. I cried till I almost threw up. We have three beautiful, healthy children. I hold them in my arms most hours of the day. Some may think that they would fill the gap for Dominik, but the truth is I think watching them makes the hurt worse. Because of my children I fully grasp the love I have for them. I understand the joy of spirit as I watch them at each new stage discover God's world. I realized for the first time yesterday that Brooke and Dominik would have been 17 months apart, the exact spacing of my youngest two. I love how they play together,and I wanted that for Brooke. I really want a family of four kids, like I had growing up. Now with my diagnosis with Crohns disease chances of that look very slim. I want him fiercely. This was our first year to have a spring dance recital...what a wonderful experience. I was so proud of Brooke. She was stunning, poised and beautiful. I want to follow that up with an afternoon at the baseball field. I want grass stained knees and muddy cleats at the back door.

For Dominik's birthday we sent him balloons. Adam, and I released "Happy Birthday" balloons, Brooke had Spiderman, because she knows what 5 year old boys like, Alexa wanted the cupcake and Henrik Elmo. We all wrote him a message, or drew him a picture and sent them to heaven. I was good. It made me really wish we had a birthday party here instead of just releasing balloons. I wonder what theme Dominik would have chosen. Alexa had lots to say about it. She told everyone at the store that the balloons were for her brother who is in heaven. She decided that she wanted to see him. Then she looked at me with a puzzled face and asked, "Do I have to be dead to see him in heaven? cause I don't want to be dead," she said. We all talked about how we missed him and wanted him here. We spoke of the confidence we have that we will see him again because we believe in Jesus so we will go to heaven someday. We talked about how Jesus is taking good care of Dominik. We realized that he would be in Mrs. Crump's young five kindergarten in the fall. I felt sad, really really sad. I'm sad that our world is so broken. Sad that sin wrecked what God intended to be perfect. I'm sad that we don't have our son here with us, sad that I'm sick, sad that life is hard and we have to teach our kids how to cope with it. Most days I count my blessings, I find the silver lining, the gold woven in the burlap, but today I'm just going to ache. I recognize the broken darkness of the world we live in and the great need we have for our Savior Jesus Christ. One day He will restore it all to His perfect design with a new heaven and a new earth. I long with hope for that day.