Time Makes the Ache Deeper.

People often say, "Time heals all wounds." I couldn't disagree more.Yesterday was Dominik's fifth birthday. Dominik is our son who was stillborn because of anacephalie, a condition where the top of the head does not fully close. I always miss him, but yesterday the ache was deeper, the pain stabbing. I cried till I almost threw up. We have three beautiful, healthy children. I hold them in my arms most hours of the day. Some may think that they would fill the gap for Dominik, but the truth is I think watching them makes the hurt worse. Because of my children I fully grasp the love I have for them. I understand the joy of spirit as I watch them at each new stage discover God's world. I realized for the first time yesterday that Brooke and Dominik would have been 17 months apart, the exact spacing of my youngest two. I love how they play together,and I wanted that for Brooke. I really want a family of four kids, like I had growing up. Now with my diagnosis with Crohns disease chances of that look very slim. I want him fiercely. This was our first year to have a spring dance recital...what a wonderful experience. I was so proud of Brooke. She was stunning, poised and beautiful. I want to follow that up with an afternoon at the baseball field. I want grass stained knees and muddy cleats at the back door.

For Dominik's birthday we sent him balloons. Adam, and I released "Happy Birthday" balloons, Brooke had Spiderman, because she knows what 5 year old boys like, Alexa wanted the cupcake and Henrik Elmo. We all wrote him a message, or drew him a picture and sent them to heaven. I was good. It made me really wish we had a birthday party here instead of just releasing balloons. I wonder what theme Dominik would have chosen. Alexa had lots to say about it. She told everyone at the store that the balloons were for her brother who is in heaven. She decided that she wanted to see him. Then she looked at me with a puzzled face and asked, "Do I have to be dead to see him in heaven? cause I don't want to be dead," she said. We all talked about how we missed him and wanted him here. We spoke of the confidence we have that we will see him again because we believe in Jesus so we will go to heaven someday. We talked about how Jesus is taking good care of Dominik. We realized that he would be in Mrs. Crump's young five kindergarten in the fall. I felt sad, really really sad. I'm sad that our world is so broken. Sad that sin wrecked what God intended to be perfect. I'm sad that we don't have our son here with us, sad that I'm sick, sad that life is hard and we have to teach our kids how to cope with it. Most days I count my blessings, I find the silver lining, the gold woven in the burlap, but today I'm just going to ache. I recognize the broken darkness of the world we live in and the great need we have for our Savior Jesus Christ. One day He will restore it all to His perfect design with a new heaven and a new earth. I long with hope for that day.

Gilded Burlap Jeans

Blessings on my sweet neighbor Kristen who has an awesome garage sale every year. Her kids are just a bit older than mine and seem to be one season ahead. I am sure that I am one of the few Moms who would be really excited when a few pairs of jeans with holes in the knees came home with me. I was antsy to decorate them. On Mothers day night my gift from my family was that I ignored my normal evening chores and spent the night rescuing these jeans. Brooke loved the animal print. The key in my opinion to "patching"  pants is to extend the design beyond the knee. I like to use fusible interfacing to stabilize the material and to  stick it in place with the iron before attaching with free motion sketching. This entire project was FREE!

Five Loaves and Two Fish

"This is what I've got Jesus, I'm just a kid, and this is my lunch. It's yours if you want it." I am certain that the little boy who had come to hear Jesus had no idea that he would watch his lunch feed a multitude of over 5,000 people.
This weekend I was able to feel what that little boy felt. "I'm just a Mom", I said to Jesus. "I have a few bags of clothes and some extras from my house. I don't have any tables, and I surely don't have enough stuff to make a decent sale. I feel you calling me do a garage sale and to trust you. It's yours if you want it."
The Holy Spirit was nudging my heart and I listened. I posted on my blog that I'd be doing a benefit sale. Once it was in print I was held accountable...no backing out. I doubted, I didn't know if it would be worth the effort. I second guessed, how can my $.25 items add up to anything worthwhile? I got overwhelmed, how can I possibly sort through all of this stuff? Then I just decided to trust, I stayed in motion. God sent reinforcements and all jobs got done. Then I watched in amazement as God kept multiplying our offerings. The exact people that needed what we had showed up. A friend stopped in who was looking for sleepers to send to a women's health clinic in Bolivia. I sent her on her way with a bag full for free. Our youth pastor and his beaming wife stopped in and the treasures that I was having a hard time letting go of from my girls found a happy home. A young pregnant girl stopped in with her mentor from "Big Brother, Big Sister" and they walked away delighted with their bag of bargains. A mother six weeks from her due date with her second child found her self starting from scratch after a move and an unexpected pregnancy. She left with her arms full for the same amount of money that would have brought home one outfit from "Babies are Us".
After the sale I was exhausted, but energized in my soul. I said to my husband,"this makes me want to look for the next way that we can be generous." A few hours later I got a phone call that dear friends of ours had a fire in their house in the night. Praise God they all made it out OK. They had escaped moments before the floor collapsed. All they had was literally the pajamas that they were wearing. The friend that called me said that they were in need of extra blankets, and adult clothes. I had two beautiful quilts in the garage that several people had looked at during the day, but no one had purchased them, and boxes and boxes of adult clothes that had not sold. She came the next day and loaded her car to the ceiling. All of the leftover children's clothes were delivered to Alpha women's center who helps over 4,000 Mothers a year. All these blessings and you are wondering so how much did you raise for the missionaries in Africa? Drum roll please...$600.00 God is still a God of miracles.Clearly, He multiplied our meager offerings.  "I don't have much Lord, but it is yours if you want it. "

Luke 12:33 "Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."


^{A huge thank-you to all who contributed to the sale. All of our little bits came together and God used them to create something great. Blessings on you. Your treasure is in heaven.}