Letting go of the Malignant.

Malignant, benign, I had heard these words before but usually in the context of cancer or a tumor. We hold our breath as we wait for test results to return. Is it malignant or benign? Listed among the definitions of malignant are words like, vengeful, mean, nasty, hurtful. In contrast benign is described as gentle, kind, warmhearted. Phew, we let out a sigh when we hear that the mass of tissue is just benign. But what about clutter? In his book, "Loose the clutter loose the Weight", Peter Walsh suggests that the masses of stuff that gather around our houses have the same potential to add good or bad emotions to our lives. I surely had never looked at my stuff in this way. And so I began to look around. Is there anything in my environment that could be malignant I asked myself? As I began to listen to the narrative in my mind I realized that the answer is,  "yes".Without realizing it every object is speaking to me everyday. I am a super visual person so this is really powerful for me. Just like how things for me are, "out of sight out of mind" the opposite is also true..."in sight on my mind."Some messages are simple, but they all stack up. The noise sounds something like this:
I need dusted, if you were skinnier you would fit into me, you have no discipline, I need organized, please iron me, put me away, I'm broken fix me, I 'm ready to go please deliver me to the next person, touch me up, straighten me, read me, file me,  buy something that matches me, I'm tired, I'm a color you no longer like, my sleeves are tight, my fabric is scratchy, and on and on the volume rises.

There is a picture that I've had on my bedside table for lots of years now. It was taken 6 years ago this Christmas. Those of you who know my story know that I had a ruptured appendix that was unidentified for 10 days. The short version of this event is that I nearly died and it was awful. The photo on my bedside table is me with my three littles, we were at the Christmas tree farm. My appendix was scheduled to be removed in a couple of days and we were going to get the tree up before my surgery not knowing how my recovery would go. I remember paying extra attention as I applied my makeup that day. Red lipstick, a sparkly red top and a rhinestone necklace. I wanted everything to be just right. I was savoring everyday and mindful in the dark quiet places of my heart that I wasn't fully out of the woods yet and I wanted every photo to be special in case it was my last. The weather was mild and we got a darling photo of the three kids in a sled and Mommy there with them. I always liked that my face is thin in this picture, but the truth is that I had rapidly lost weight when life was slipping through my fingers, this is no reason to be skinny. Henrik my little man has a sad expression in this photo like he somehow knows what's going on. I've kept the picture out in a way to say to myself, never forget. Treasure each day. And yet when I look at this picture every time I think about being sick and weak, and the sorrow of that season.

By God's grace I have experienced healing and a new season of strength. Today I'm replacing that picture. Two frames are going on my table. The first one is a picture of Adam and I on our family vacation to Tennessee this past spring. When I look at it I am transported back to the exact spot. It's a warm spring day and the water is rushing behind us. Adam has his arm tightly around me to steady me as we are close to the waters edge. The kids are all laughing as the camera is in Brooke's hand and in the frame before this she caught us stealing a quick kiss. The second picture is  a current photo of my three strong beautiful kiddos. Their heads close together and healthy smiles that warm my heart. It's not that we forget the past, it's impossible to, but lets move forward and live, really live in today.