The Year of Pretty Packages.

I like to think of myself as frugal, resourceful, skilled at repurposing. When it comes to wrapping gifts I have explored the entire spectrum of presentation from newspaper to gold foil. I like the artistry of a beautiful package, but deep down I am cheap. My logic says, "I would rather put a couple extra dollars into the gift than spend it on something that will be ripped off and thrown in the trash moments after being presented. " My most famous wrapping paper was the year that I recycled wall paper. I had purchased several rolls from a discount store. It was nice heavy paper on long rolls. I thought it was perfect! There was just one problem, it was so thick that tape would not hold it. My solution was to hot glue the packages. When the recipients of my gifts went to open them they were as hard to open as a bank vault. My sister in law brings up this story most every time we open gifts and we have a good laugh about the year that I glued the presents shut.

This Christmas is special. We have a student from Sweden who has joined our family for the school year. Her name is Celina. She is sweet, beautiful and loves details. Mid November she walked into the family room with a beautiful gift in her hand. She had clearly mastered the art of a beautiful package. The box was wrapped in glittered paper with gold curling ribbon and a matching tag. The gift was for Christmas, and it was for me. I was so touched. Our Christmas tree was not up yet so I put the gift on the mantel so that everyone could admire the pretty package.

Thanksgiving night the kids were full of turkey, ham and holiday cheer. They began to beg, "Can we put up the Christmas tree?" A couple of years ago I got tired of tromping through  snow with wind beating our faces to drag home a wet tree that shed needles and had to have a thousand lights strung on it. We purchased a plastic tree from Lowes (much to the disappointment of my children who loved the tree farm tradition followed by the once a year lunch at McDonalds.) The only upside to the fake tree is that it is stored in my basement so we hauled it up on Thanksgiving night. We had a wonderful time decorating and even put a medium size tree in Celina's room which she thought was magical.

The day after Thanksgiving is of coarse BLACK FRIDAY. I was still putting finishing touches on the house and cleaning up what feels like a mega disaster from unpacking all of the Christmas boxes the night before. Celina was eager to experience all things American, including the chaos of crazy Christmas shoppers. My daughter Brooke was on board as she thinks shopping is always a good idea. I however, had no intention of going out of the house on this day. I was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes pondering the whole shopping frenzy. I decided that this was my moment to set things right in the world. My family was all lounging around the family room so I had a captive audience. Let me set the stage for what was brewing in my mind...

Every year at Christmas I wrestle with the materialism and excess that comes along with the holidays. I wonder how we've gotten to this place. I find it fascinating that when God planned the arrival of Christ He picked the simplest, poorest setting possible. A common stable. We've taken this day and flipped it.  It has become the day of wearing sequins and sparkle and piles and piles of gifts. This year  as I reflected on this I was in rare form. For a couple of months I have been un cluttering my life in pursuit of freedom from the weight of so much stuff in our lives. I have meticulously combed through all of our objects throwing things away, donating,  and  selling. I have literally removed truckloads of stuff from our house. It has been mentally exhausting, time intensive and a process I hope to not repeat... ever. It has been like running a marathon and the thought of more stuff coming into my house was enough to make me break. I stepped up on my soap box and articulated the great questions that were tumbling around in my head. "Why," I asked "would I buy more legos when every day I step on the plastic blocks that cover our basement floor!" "Why,would I bring more stuff in when we are still suffocating under the weight of so much? How could we expect to handle more when we can not manage what we already have?" I built up a great crescendo with my final point,"Why do we buy things for each other that hang in the closet with tags or end up being donated? I would rather just SHOP FOR MYSELF!"Yes". "Well put", said the chorus in my head. And then I turned around.

Blank, pale faces and wide eyes stared back at me. If joy had been sitting in a glass on my table I had just taken the glass and dumped it on the floor. Celina meekly  stood up and walked towards my perfectly wrapped gold and glitter package. "Do you want me to take this back?" she asked. My heart sunk. The first gift of Christmas had been carefully chosen for me. In my moment of only thinking about myself I had vomited darkness all over a room that had been filled with little twinkling Christmas lights and holiday cheer. I apologized and back peddled, but it has taken a couple of weeks for the dust to settle  from my explosion of words. At first my husband declared that he was listening and that he would support my position by not exchanging any gifts this year and only participating in things that had a singular focus on remembering Jesus' birthday. I HAD CRUSHED CHRISTMAS.

I did lots and lots of thinking. I revisited the beginning traditions of gift giving and I prayed that God would show my heart what I needed to see. I was reminded that the greatest gift ever given was Jesus. God is our ultimate example of generosity. I remembered the Magi who, "opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh."(Matthew 1:11) I studied St. Nicholas who gave generously so that poor girls with little dowry would not be found in desperate places. I listened to Celina who is away from home at this most special time of year. Part of what reminds her of the love of home is the traditions of advent with small gifts each day and Christmas Eve gift exchanges with family. I have watched her face light up as boxes and envelopes arrive from across the ocean. I am blessed to have packages under my tree with ribbon that says, "God Jul", "Merry Christmas" in Swedish. There is something of identity wrapped up in the music and traditions that makes us who we are. I owed it to her and to my husband and my kids to make Christmas magical. Like never before I have researched and shopped and carefully wrapped. I've not just crossed names off my list as gifts are purchased, but I have savored the process of really thinking about what brings JOY to each of the people that I share gifts with. This is part of the process of coming to a healthy place with how I relate to stuff. Generosity is at the core of who I want to become and of who Jesus is. Receiving with gentleness and grace allows a giver to be blessed as well.

I am no longer hyperventilating as the pile of gifts grows under my tree. I am instead recognizing that gifts are a language of love. My heart is full.

Letting go of the Malignant.

Malignant, benign, I had heard these words before but usually in the context of cancer or a tumor. We hold our breath as we wait for test results to return. Is it malignant or benign? Listed among the definitions of malignant are words like, vengeful, mean, nasty, hurtful. In contrast benign is described as gentle, kind, warmhearted. Phew, we let out a sigh when we hear that the mass of tissue is just benign. But what about clutter? In his book, "Loose the clutter loose the Weight", Peter Walsh suggests that the masses of stuff that gather around our houses have the same potential to add good or bad emotions to our lives. I surely had never looked at my stuff in this way. And so I began to look around. Is there anything in my environment that could be malignant I asked myself? As I began to listen to the narrative in my mind I realized that the answer is,  "yes".Without realizing it every object is speaking to me everyday. I am a super visual person so this is really powerful for me. Just like how things for me are, "out of sight out of mind" the opposite is also true..."in sight on my mind."Some messages are simple, but they all stack up. The noise sounds something like this:
I need dusted, if you were skinnier you would fit into me, you have no discipline, I need organized, please iron me, put me away, I'm broken fix me, I 'm ready to go please deliver me to the next person, touch me up, straighten me, read me, file me,  buy something that matches me, I'm tired, I'm a color you no longer like, my sleeves are tight, my fabric is scratchy, and on and on the volume rises.

There is a picture that I've had on my bedside table for lots of years now. It was taken 6 years ago this Christmas. Those of you who know my story know that I had a ruptured appendix that was unidentified for 10 days. The short version of this event is that I nearly died and it was awful. The photo on my bedside table is me with my three littles, we were at the Christmas tree farm. My appendix was scheduled to be removed in a couple of days and we were going to get the tree up before my surgery not knowing how my recovery would go. I remember paying extra attention as I applied my makeup that day. Red lipstick, a sparkly red top and a rhinestone necklace. I wanted everything to be just right. I was savoring everyday and mindful in the dark quiet places of my heart that I wasn't fully out of the woods yet and I wanted every photo to be special in case it was my last. The weather was mild and we got a darling photo of the three kids in a sled and Mommy there with them. I always liked that my face is thin in this picture, but the truth is that I had rapidly lost weight when life was slipping through my fingers, this is no reason to be skinny. Henrik my little man has a sad expression in this photo like he somehow knows what's going on. I've kept the picture out in a way to say to myself, never forget. Treasure each day. And yet when I look at this picture every time I think about being sick and weak, and the sorrow of that season.

By God's grace I have experienced healing and a new season of strength. Today I'm replacing that picture. Two frames are going on my table. The first one is a picture of Adam and I on our family vacation to Tennessee this past spring. When I look at it I am transported back to the exact spot. It's a warm spring day and the water is rushing behind us. Adam has his arm tightly around me to steady me as we are close to the waters edge. The kids are all laughing as the camera is in Brooke's hand and in the frame before this she caught us stealing a quick kiss. The second picture is  a current photo of my three strong beautiful kiddos. Their heads close together and healthy smiles that warm my heart. It's not that we forget the past, it's impossible to, but lets move forward and live, really live in today.

Moving Mountains

Less than a month ago I had a garage sale. I thought I'd "combed" through everything throughly and at the end of the day my husband stuffed every inch of his pick up truck and drove to the donation center. Phew...I thought, my house should feel lighter, like it went on a diet. The truth is my house was still fat.

I was feeling a mix of frustration and inspiration as I would tidy up my house each day. I was grasping for a feeling and not quite landing on it. Everything was "organized". I love to sort, file and label. I know all about grouping like items together and using matching containers to achieve a uniform look. Why after all of this organizing was my house still feeling like it was fighting me when I went to straighten up. The root cause...too much stuff.

I put on new goggles and really looked at the stuff that had become familiar, comfortable in my environment. I got really honest and kicked a lot of stuff to the curb. I've made trips to the donation center several times a week and sold so much on my neighborhood Facebook site that neighbors are starting to ask if we are moving.

An amazing thing is starting to happen. It is contagious! My husband cleaned off his desk declaring that he has caught my decluttering fever. My son sorted through his clothes and we no longer argue about what he wears because everything that is left in his closet are things that he chose. My youngest daughter who is a treasure keeper and inherits more clothes than there are days in a year asked if I could help her in her room. I never thought I'd see the day that she would get rid of anything. She has a happy spirit and likes everything so she tends to hold on to things, lots of things. As we went through her stuff a switch flipped and she started to catch the vision. For the first time she had a sense of her OWN style. She loves everything that sparkles. Her favorite shirt says, "glitter is my favorite color." Her big sister likes classic style and is drawn to simple gray shirts. As we sorted Alexa, my youngest daughter started to say, "plain, plain, plain," and tossed several items into the "No" pile. In the end everything she kept had sequins and kitty cats and things that make her light up.

I'm not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed of the mountain that came out of Alexa's closet. In the end she decided that she wanted to be done with having dressers in her room and decided to store hanging clothes in her closet and folded clothes in the hall closet (which was empty due to out efforts over the past couple of weeks.) We sold her dressers and night stand and now she can cartwheel in her room which in her world is one of life's greatest pleasures. I called a dear friend who came this morning and sorted through our mountain of clothes and left with arms full for her girls. I will be so happy when I see them at church or school giving life to some of our stuff. Most of it was given to us and it felt so good to pay it forward. After all, it's all God's stuff, sometimes it is just our job to clear it out and pass it out.

Things that spark Joy.

Relationships. I'm crazy about them. Conversations and time with others are what make me tick.  The highlight of my day is when the kids cram in the truck and tell me stories. One of my favorite quotes of all times is from Jay and Laura Laffoon, they do marriage seminars and they say," for women conversation is play."

So with this bit of information about me one might think that I'd be the gal that you'd find in coffee shops with a friend. Or that I'd be here, in the virtual world, blogging my thoughts. You'd imagine that I'd be playing and creating with my kids. The truth is where you find me most of the time is...cleaning. I often joke that my tombstone will say, Michelle-"The women who wiped things." Wipe the counter, wipe the dishes, wipe the table, wipe noses, you get the idea. But, before I can wipe everything there are endless things that need to be picked up, put away, organized. This chasing of things is swallowing up my life one moment at a time and I am fighting back.

I have recently discovered audio books and they are my new best friends. While I am wiping and picking up they keep me company and engage my mind. In the past couple of weeks I've listened to all three of Jennifer L.Scott's books on "Madame Chic", I've listened to "Good-bye Things" by Fumio Sasaki, "The life changing magic of Tidying Up"by Marie Kondo, and "The More of less." by Joshua Becker. Perhaps you see a theme. All of these books in some way focused on living well with less. And so I am on a mission. I am seeking to unbury my life from the stuff so that I can simplify and spend my time in relationships. After all they are the only thing that I can take with me to heaven.

Here is what I've learned/accomplished so far:

1.Focus on myself. I often spend my time straightening up everyone else's stuff only to feel frustrated when they don't maintain my systems or appreciate my efforts. I've decided this time I will lead by example. I'm not touching anyone else's stuff without invitation. I began in my closet with Marie Kondo on my kindle like a coach by my side. I took her advice and got rid of anything that didn't, "bring me joy." Into the pile to leave went anything that needed repair...no more mending on my "to do "list. I got rid of most everything that I had gotten second hand and kept only what I had carefully chosen myself.
2.Keep what you love. My motivation all started with a new dress. While this is an exercise on having less that new dress makes me feel amazing and I want to have that feeling every time I get dressed. I've warned my family that they may just see me in this dress several times a week. I'm just gonna rock it out and wear it out. I'm done saving my good clothes for special days. I realized as I subtracted all that I didn't love that my true style came to the surface. When I'm choosing what to wear everything that I look at makes me happy. I am much more content with less.
3.Edit out the noise. Objects speak to us all day long. My book shelf full of things I intend to read is like a weight on my mind everytime I pass by. "Oh I really need to make time to read," my inner voice says with guilt. I know I've had many of the books for years and I feel like a disappointment to myself that I've not gotten to them yet. Good-bye guilt. You are going to the thrift store.
4.Sell it. My new favorite thing is our neighborhood garage sale site. I write a description, snap a picture, post and wait for money to show up. Yesterday while cleaning my garage I really looked at the shelf next to the door for the first time. It's a ugly shelf. It was left here by the previous owner and it collects junk as people walk in the door. It clogs the entrance point and collects clutter on the top and spider webs on the bottom. It annoys me. I posted it and in less than 5 minutes I had someone who needed it. Good-bye shelf, I'm so happy you're leaving.

I feel lighter. Free. Unburdened. It is like reverse shopping. Each day I visit my own space and say "Good bye stuff." I no longer have the urge to flit away time wandering through Target to see what trend I need to keep up with next. I like the stuff at my house. There is less to wash, wipe and pick up. Perhaps you will see me at the coffee shop, with a friend.